Moving Forward

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the subject of my last post. I have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy thinking and worrying about this issue and how it directly relates to myself. And what do I think and worry about?

Mostly, I feel sad. While I think of myself as a strong person (and I think others would agree), I have spent a lot of time crying. It is hard for me to feel happy-- in fact, I am sort of numb. I guess you could say that I just don't really feel like myself, like part of me is gone.

I also feel incredibly angry. It angers me to see him praised everywhere he goes. It angers me that what should have been a great experience was ruined for me. It angers me that things would have been completely different if I were a guy. It angers me that I have lost all respect for someone that I really looked up to and admired. It angers me that I am reminded of what happened every time I pick up my trombone.

I am not just a sad and angry person now, though. I have handled myself in an extremely honest and upfront manner. I have become more assertive. I have learned that I can handle anything with the love and support of my family and friends (thank you). I know that I will be a more understanding and empathetic trombone professor one day. As much as it hurts, I have discovered a deeper passion for what it means to be a female brass musician and an appreciation for all of the women that have paved the way for me.

I am not writing this to expose anyone or reveal anything. I write this because I want anyone who might be going through the same thing to know that they aren't alone. I have shared these things with my advocate, and she always says the same things:

1. It wasn't your fault.
2. What you are feeling is completely normal.
3. You reacted in a way that you felt would best protect you.

All of the sadness and anger has taken a toll on me. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from this semester. I don't know what will truly make me feel better. I think it is a matter of time. What I do know is that more than anything, I want to truly be able to forgive.

Break the Silence

In my last post, I said that I had learned so much this year.  It's true, and I feel that I now have something to offer my fellow musicians, colleagues, and professors.

When I began this blog, it was a class project (thanks Professor Manning!).  I had not really given  much thought to how I felt about being a female trombonist.  Honestly, there was a time when I felt that being a female trombonist was more of a burden, but now I feel that I have found my niche.  I have learned that being a female brass musician makes me special and can even set me apart from the rest.  I am reminded of my interview with Lin Foulk when I asked her of what advice she would give to an aspiring female brass musician:

Have an awareness of, but don’t dwell on being a female brass musician.  As Susan Slaughter once said in a 1991 article in the Boston Globe, “I tell my female students they can’t be ‘as good as’ anybody else; they have to be better.”  Practice more than anyone in your circle.  Also, don’t be a victim.  Any time you hear crud from colleagues, the problem is with them, not you, so leave it there.  Develop a thick skin to slip on when you have to deal with particularly difficult colleagues.  They can’t get at your core unless you let them.  Finally, playing a brass instrument is highly demanding physically.  You have to be assertive in your approach, even if you’re not a particularly assertive person.  When you perform, you are an actress who must express a full palette of characters and emotions, which includes aggressive, loud, and angry.  Many girls are trained to suppress those emotions, so it might be uncomfortable to play music like that.  But you have to get over that if you play a brass instrument—it’s not who you are, it’s the character you play.

She is completely right, and I now see my role in the brass field as an exciting challenge.  That said, I feel that I must not develop too thick of skin (which I know, Lin, you are not advocating).  Sure, I can put up with the fowl language that inevitably erupts from the back row of the orchestra. I can translate what it means to play "balls to the wall." This is minor stuff-- no big deal.  What I am not okay with is the all too frequent male musician abuse of power.

It is not my intention to bash male musicians and teachers-- I have been fortunate enough to have had two of the most respectful and kind professors in the business (thank you Dr. Palmer and Dr. Gier).  It is my intention, though to bring to light that there are certain individuals who abuse their power and assume that they can get away with it.  And how do they get away with it?  Many women say nothing for fear of the consequences, and some women even think that that type of behavior is to be expected in this field.

For all of you men and women who might be reading this-- that type of behavior is not to be expected or condoned.  Ladies, please have the courage to stand up for yourselves and speak up if you experience unwanted behavior.  I don't mean to sound sexist-- I suppose this behavior can go both ways, but let's face it-- this is a male dominated field.

My advice to women who are silently suffering: say something.  My advice to good, respectful professors: know who you invite into your studios to teach your students.  A simple window on a door or extra person in the room is all it takes to prevent something horrible from happening.  My advice to anyone arrogant enough to think that they can get away with taking advantage of trusting students: you can't. Keep your hands to yourself and be professional.

Women who have experienced discrimination or sexual harassment or assault within the music field (or anywhere)-- you are not alone.  It is not your fault.  It is not to be accepted.  That said, it is also not to be expected.  Most of the men you will deal with in the music world are both kind and respectful-- it is my hope that you will never encounter the inevitable jerks.

Finally, an update!

Well it appears that I have been quite silent these past few (ok, more than a few) months.  My only excuse is my crazy schedule.  I have been so busy teaching, attending class, practicing, rehearsing-- the list goes on.  This year has been great, and I've learned so much from my students, my own professor Dr. Gier, and the many guest artists that we've had at the University of Iowa this year.  I truly feel blessed to be in the situation that I am here-- I have true role models that encourage and support me in everything that I do.  To all of you Iowa folk out there, thank you.

Ok, so here are two exciting bits of news:

The Southeast Trombone Symposium had a huge article in the most recent ITA Journal. Thanks to Stephen Hoy for writing such an in depth article! Here's a link http://www.ita-web.org/journal/

Also, I have been asked to write a guest post for BrassMusician.com, a new online magazine for all things brass!  I have been thinking a lot about what I want to write, and I think I may be onto something now. More updates to come!

A Brief Guide to Smarter Practicing

After learning about Colin's experience, I decided that the most effective way to practice is to be:

mindful

organized 

efficient

healthy

Mindful practice means always having a goal or point to your practice sessions. Always think musically, even in your warmup. Mindful practicing also involves keeping an active and focused mind that stays present for the task at hand, i.e. don't wonder what you are going to eat for dinner as you are working on a Bordogni etude.

1. Remove distractions from your practice area, i.e. turn off your computer, phone, 

TV, etc.

2. Focus on your own playing, not the person who is in the next practice room.

Organized practice techniques can help you become more efficient during your practice sessions.

1. Make time to practice. Sit down with your calendar and schedule when you will practice each day (and stick to it!).  

2. Keep a practice log that shows what you are working on for your weekly lessons.

3. During your scheduled practice sessions, plan what you will work on and for how long.  You may want to use a

        notebook or small dry erase board.

4. Record your practice sessions or lessons and listen to them afterwards. Take notes and evaluate yourself-- you can

        be your own teacher!

5. Keep all of the materials that you are working on in one space.  You may want to have a binder or folder with tabs

        that keeps your music organized.

Healthy practicing can help you avoid injuries. 

1. Three to four 45-50 minute practice sessions are better and more effective than a 3 hour long practice session.

2. Take breaks during your practice session. You can still be productive during these breaks-- if you recorded

        yourself, then this is a good time to listen and evaluate your recording, mentally practice, conduct and sing, study a 

        score, listen to a professional recording, etc. 

3. Maintain a relaxed posture, and note any tension that may be causing you to use more pressure. If this tension

        creeps in, then try to pinpoint where/why it is occurring, take a quick rest, and then resume in a more relaxed state.

4. Remember that muscle repairs itself roughly on a 48 hour basis. Plan intense 

practice sessions with this in mind.

Healthy living habits can help benefit you in all areas of your life--even in your trombone playing! 

1. Engage in regular exercise (at least 30 minutes 3-4 days a week). Try practicing right after you exercise-- you will

        be surprised at how much air you are able to take in!

2. Get a good night's sleep. Even though you are college students, you still need rest. 

3. Start your morning by eating a healthy breakfast. Beware of eating overly salty/sugary foods before a practice

        session or performance.

4. Drink lots of water, especially if you are practicing and exercising a lot. Also, be mindful of the types of food that you 

        consume before you play.

 

5. Brush your teeth before you practice and wash your mouthpiece and horn regularly, especially during flu season.

College can be a stressful time for music majors. The most successful music  students are well organized and self-motivated.  Take one (or all!) of the suggestions above and try it for one week as an experiment. What works for you? What areas are you weak in? Do you notice improvements in your trombone playing? 

STS Master Class: Colin Williams, 06/22/2010

I played selections from the first movement of the Tomasi trombone concerto for Colin during his class. The main point that he tried to make to me is not to get too caught up in the small elements of rubato-- think about the big picture. I had/have trouble with this aspect in my playing, especially in the Tomasi with the vast number of markings. I'm trying to work on not, for lack of a better word, romanticizing every small gesture, but rather striving to achieve long, sweeping musical lines.

The rest of my notes from this class were directed to the other participants. In every brass pedagogy course I've ever taken, we always had to list "teaching points." Think of the next statements that way; these points can be used for any brass or wind instrument. 

•  Even though it's a waltz, play more fluidly.
• Make slurs much more like the human voice. Think of Bordogni No. 6 and play in all clefs.
• Sound more vocal or song-like. Sing a phrase to get a more natural and musical sense of phrasing.
• Always go back to the basics.
• Drive wide and awkward intervals with your airstream.
• Work on Arban's Articulation Styles.
• Think of the tongue as a traffic cop for your airstream.
• If you blow faster air, then the tongue can almost bounce or spring off of the airstream like a lawn sprinkler.

As you may or may not know, Colin injured his lip and had to take a few months off of the horn to heal. The second half of his class developed into a Q&A about what happened to him and how we as trombonists can avoid/prevent the same thing happening to us. I do not want to necessarily hash out all of the details of Colin's injury (I'm sure you could email him with any questions), but what he basically said was that he did too much playing without rest for about 5 years straight. On top of a very demanding workload with the Atlanta Symphony, he would push himself too hard in his individual practice sessions. Though it is good and healthy to push yourself in your practice, you must find time to rest and rebuild muscle. Colin suggested that we as brass players should find a few weeks a year not to play. Apparently even Joe Alessi takes the month of August off from his horn, according to Colin. Colin said that some warning signs might be difficulty producing a clear sound, leading to using more pressure, which can cause partial muscle tears and muscle thinning. On this same note, we must remember that being out of shape is different than not having the muscle.

After the class, everyone was pretty horrified after his descriptions of feeling a white-hot needle sort of pain in his lip when the muscle tore. Honestly, most players don't have to worry about this sort of thing. Practice smartly and efficiently, take breaks, etc. Since then, Colin is back to playing in the ASO. He is such a beast at the trombone and a really nice person.  I can't wait to hear him again!

A Brief Break

To those of you nice people out there in blog land who follow this blog, I apologize for being so lax! I had the best intentions in June while at the STS to update Ladies in Brass, but that whole week was much busier than I could have imagined, and the rest of my summer went much the same way. Better to be busy than bored, I suppose. Luckily, I kept a journal of notes during the masterclasses, so now I can finally turn them into L&B entries.

Another quick note-- I won the solo competition at the STS!!! Here's a link to another blog of mine detailing that experience, along with some books that I read over the summer. http://amidwesterntale.blogspot.com/2010/07/new-horn-new-books.html

Southeast Trombone Symposium

Greetings from Columbus, Georgia! I am participating in the Southeast Trombone Symposium at Columbus State University, hosted by my former professor Dr. Brad Palmer. It's been a great week so far--I have met some really great trombonists, played in quartets and octets, attended masterclasses, and heard outstanding faculty recitals. Tomorrow is the solo competition, which I am a finalist for. I had intended to update this blog throughout the week, but as it is Thursday, you can see that I did not accomplish my goal. I have been so busy and dead tired that I am just now getting to the updates. Luckily I have been taking notes, so I will break it down by day and activity.

Visit this link for more information: http://music.colstate.edu/trombone/STS_2010.php

Atlanta Symphony Trombone Section: Colin Williams, George Curran, and Bill Thomas

Dr. Palmer conducting the CSU Trombone Choir.